mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
