I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
