be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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