dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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