At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
