I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize