My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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