I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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