Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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