Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
