Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
