I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
