if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
