Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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