Everything about him screamed your future.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
