david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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