If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize