I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
