You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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