The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
