Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
