I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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