Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
