no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
