So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
