you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
