Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
