somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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