I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
