When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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