her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
