getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize