I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
