I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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