Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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