I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
