My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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