I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize