i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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