yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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