Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
