Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize