He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
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