If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
