I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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