The best revenge is premature balding
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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