I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize