Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
