Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
