Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize