whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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