Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize