Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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