When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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