Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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