Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
