He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
