fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
