what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
