Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
