i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I met the friendliest cop last night
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You are the jesus of drinking
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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