I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
