I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
