god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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