I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
