Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
