i wish my penis had a tongue
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
