Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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