do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
