I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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