you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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