we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
