I wish life had little blips of pornography
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
